It's been....one year since he moved. One year since I've actually been in a relationship, but maybe 7 months since I was techincally dating somebody, Even then, we weren't really dating. And he ended up cheating. I'm tired. So fucking TIRED. Tired of chasing after the guys who I believe deep down are nice and decent, in reality, all they are is charming enough to get me to trust them. They weren't decent. I wish I could find a guy who really was decent. Somebody who wouldn't cheat and who was okay with the odd PDA and who I could have endless meandering conversations, or even comfortable silences, with. Someone who realizes that, yeah, I have high standards for guys because I find it so difficult to trust and let anybody in. Guys have to prove to me that they don't just want a fling; that they actually want my company and they want me to trust them. There's a story behind why I don't trust anybody. Ask, and I may tell. It would answer a lot of questions for you, of that I'm pretty sure.
You. I'm still mad at you, but not so much anymore. You screwed up big time. You could've told me. You should've given me some time.
You. You are a nice guy. Not a loser, not a dweeb. You're a good guy. But. I don't allow myself to see you as anything more than a friend. Because every time I look at you, I see you looking down the barrel of a gun and I think of a friend of mine in Thailand. Young. Training in the military, like you. I don't know if he's dead or alive. Every day for TWO LONG YEARS, I've wondered if he's dead or alive. I never gave him even the smallest chance. And it still kills me. I couldn't bear having to feel that guilt again; I can't bear the not knowing.
You. You, too, are a nice guy. But I'm just not interested in you that way. I can't talk politics like you can, I can't define my political/religious beliefs, I'm far too intense for you but you don't want to see it. I'd get fed up with you for always being so political, you'd get bored of me for not being political enough. That would be all we'd talk about. Politics, and I just don't care that much about poltics. Not the same way you do. I'm not the person for you. Please realize that and let it be at just friends.
You. I'm still mad at you, but not so much anymore. You screwed up big time. You could've told me. You should've given me some time.
You. You are a nice guy. Not a loser, not a dweeb. You're a good guy. But. I don't allow myself to see you as anything more than a friend. Because every time I look at you, I see you looking down the barrel of a gun and I think of a friend of mine in Thailand. Young. Training in the military, like you. I don't know if he's dead or alive. Every day for TWO LONG YEARS, I've wondered if he's dead or alive. I never gave him even the smallest chance. And it still kills me. I couldn't bear having to feel that guilt again; I can't bear the not knowing.
You. You, too, are a nice guy. But I'm just not interested in you that way. I can't talk politics like you can, I can't define my political/religious beliefs, I'm far too intense for you but you don't want to see it. I'd get fed up with you for always being so political, you'd get bored of me for not being political enough. That would be all we'd talk about. Politics, and I just don't care that much about poltics. Not the same way you do. I'm not the person for you. Please realize that and let it be at just friends.
And you. I really fucking miss you.
Why can't I just find somebody? Why do I find all the people who are either completely wrong for me or end up leaving? I want a guy who doesn't even have to be particularly good-looking(but being at least a bit taller than me is nice). He has to be able to make me laugh, make me smile; he has to be a little bit crazy, a little bit psycho. He can't be ashamed to admit he's in a relationship. He has to deal with the fact that yes, I will eat with chopsticks if I feel the desire to. He has to deal with the fact that I have ugly days but for the most part, I think I'm not too terrible. I'll never be a beauty queen, and that's fine with me. I have to be comfortable enough with him that I can wear yoga pants and a grungy old t-shirt around him and still not feel self-conscious. No, I don't play video games very often, but yes, I will cheerfully lose amazingly at a game of MarioKart or Sonic or even Duck Hunt.
He has to understand that yes, I am all over the place. I drink green tea with cardamom, lots of sugar, and no milk. I can't cook very well, but I do like my food. Yes, I will turn him inside-out and upside-down and around. Yes, I screw things up and I make mistakes and that he'll probably end up wondering why the hell he's dating me. Answer?
Why can't I just find somebody? Why do I find all the people who are either completely wrong for me or end up leaving? I want a guy who doesn't even have to be particularly good-looking(but being at least a bit taller than me is nice). He has to be able to make me laugh, make me smile; he has to be a little bit crazy, a little bit psycho. He can't be ashamed to admit he's in a relationship. He has to deal with the fact that yes, I will eat with chopsticks if I feel the desire to. He has to deal with the fact that I have ugly days but for the most part, I think I'm not too terrible. I'll never be a beauty queen, and that's fine with me. I have to be comfortable enough with him that I can wear yoga pants and a grungy old t-shirt around him and still not feel self-conscious. No, I don't play video games very often, but yes, I will cheerfully lose amazingly at a game of MarioKart or Sonic or even Duck Hunt.
He has to understand that yes, I am all over the place. I drink green tea with cardamom, lots of sugar, and no milk. I can't cook very well, but I do like my food. Yes, I will turn him inside-out and upside-down and around. Yes, I screw things up and I make mistakes and that he'll probably end up wondering why the hell he's dating me. Answer?
"There is a darkness deep in you, a frightening magic I cling to."
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